Jealousy In A Relationship: When It's Okay And When It's Not

Jealousy in its mildest form could be normal and acceptable. If it provokes you to communicate to draw boundaries as a couple and negotiate a mutually nurturing and supportive relationship, there is nothing wrong with it.

In the below instances you might feel insignificant and jealous. At such times it's important to communicate the need for a mutually nurturing and loving relationship with both protecting the space of being each other's 'significant other'.

1. If your partner's ex keeps in touch with your partner as a 'friend' but demands excessive attention while ignoring and disregarding you and your presence as his partner in his life.

2. If your partner spends excessive time socialising alone with people without you and insists on such individual fun more often than not.

3. If your partner ignores you while socialising as a couple but gives excessive attention to others.

4. If your partner is quick to appreciate others in elaborate ways but is either criticising you or rarely acknowledges you.

5. If well-meaning advice from you and constructive feedback is ignored, while at the same time, the same advice from certain others is keenly and attentively listened to.

6. If birthdays and special occasions of certain others are remembered and celebrated with gusto, while special occasions with you are ignored or grudgingly celebrated.

7. If certain others are highlighted and praised excessively to you, while there is nothing praiseworthy mentioned about you to you. You are, in fact, compared with them as not being or doing 'enough'.

8. If through words and actions your partner demonstrates on an ongoing basis that certain others are dearer to him than you in every way - and if he had to choose he would always choose them over you.

Jealousy in its unhealthy and severest form could take the form of extreme possessiveness. It could lead to stifling your partner and not allowing normal human interactions other than being with you. Disallowing any 'me' time to your partner, grudging your partner's healthy friendships and at its worst, suspecting your partner unduly and engaging in unwarranted conflicts which create strain in the relationship. Such unhealthy jealousy destroys relationships and needs to be transcended by the one experiencing it.

A couple needs to co-create a sense of being each other's "significant other" and each other's "go to person". Mutually affirming and appreciating each other is important. One should try and have some shared activities and interests along with individual pursuits, with a healthy balance of 'we' time and 'me' time. Paying attention to each other while socializing and making each other a part of one's individual successes by sharing the process and the achievement with each other are small things that can a couple far.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.