Dating Fatigue Is Real, But Is Going Back To An Ex Okay?

Charlotte York, the ever-prim and proper fictional character from Sex and the City, is relatable for many reasons. She's poised, smart, beautiful, and chasing her prince charming in the chaos of a metro city like New York. And while New Delhi is no New York, dating in any city is tough-no matter how different the dating scene might be.

So, after multiple failed first dates, when she had a mental breakdown and said, "I've been dating since I was fifteen. I am exhausted, where is he?", many people related to the character.

In today's world, where finding a match is just a swipe away, dating can be tiring. You can get multiple matches, talking stages, and hundreds of "what's your favourite colour?" questions later, if you're still not able to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, it can get exhausting. We can all have breakdowns like Charlotte.

Gen Z Too

A 2024 data set shows that 79% of Gen Z faces dating app burnout.

But if that's the case, should you take your phone out and dial that person from the trash can? I mean, your block list? Tempting, isn't it? If you're here, chances are that you might be thinking about it too.

We all might have different answers to it. Some might say that the person is your ex for a reason, while others might not agree that much. So, if you too watched Materialists, and right before the ending you wondered if you should also call up your ex or hope to 'accidentally' bump into them (hopefully not Joe Goldberg from You style), you're not alone.

Spoilers Ahead: When Lucy (played by Dakota Johnson) picked John (Chris Evans) in the end, many of us couldn't help but wonder - in a world where dating is becoming so hard and settling down seems to be what most people are doing, is it really time to consider whether you still have some leftover flames with your ex? Is there a right time to revisit old love? Or, more importantly, should you?

'The Microwave Love'

Getting back with an ex isn't as rare as we'd like to think. Love, after all, has a strange pull-memories, comfort, familiarity. Sometimes, the past feels easier than the uncertain present.

A four-year-old Reddit thread asked, "Has anyone gotten back with an ex-and how's it going?"

The replies were a mix of happily-ever-afters and cautionary tales. Some rekindled romances ended in weddings, while others proved that not all stories deserve sequels. Let's have a look at some of them:

Radhika Mohta, a matchmaker and relationship coach from Indore, Madhya Pradesh, says it is pretty human for people to want to go back to their ex.

"This happens for various reasons, especially when people are on the verge of finding someone new, and they feel vulnerable-they end up running back to their exes," she adds. She also says that during events of happiness or sadness, like a birthday or New Year's, she has seen couples getting back together.

Getting back with the ex is a phenomenon that's fairly common across all generations, but it is more often observed in younger generations in India-like Gen Z and millennials, especially Gen Z-who have a tendency to fall into microwave love: a reference to romantic relationships that heat up quickly and cool down just as fast.

Unlike traditional relationships, these breakups aren't seen as a definitive ending but rather as part of a continuous cycle.

Even though we don't have specific data for India, a study published in Medical News Today in 2023 shows that 60% of young adults in the US admitted to having at least one on-off relationship.

When Can You Get Back With Your Ex?

"The ex is the ex for a reason," Radhika says. According to her, getting back with an ex is usually a bad idea. However, one can consider it seriously if they believe that the person has truly changed and evolved for the better-and that the problems that caused the breakup are actually resolvable.

She does believe that such changes are very rare, and humans, generally, don't change their nature drastically.

"There's a very little chance that people change so much that the root cause of their breakups is resolved. However, there are chances that people might actually evolve-then you can think of getting back with your ex," she adds.

Experts also suggest that if one of the main reasons for the breakup was timing or life circumstances-like getting a big promotion and not having time to dedicate to a relationship, or having to move far for work or study-and you're both now in a better position to prioritise your relationship, then it's okay to give your relationship another chance.

Experts suggest that the breakup was because of timing its okay to give your relationship another chance. Photo: Unsplash

Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. And if both of you are now ready to work it through, seriously and honestly, there's a good chance it might work this time.

On the flip side, if the breakup involved cheating, emotional abuse, or persistent disrespect, it's a major red flag. In such cases, you might want to reconsider your reconsideration. And, the best way to cut off a relationship? Actually cut it off. Block, delete, mute, disappear.

Radhika says people often make timelines in their heads for relationships, like, "If he doesn't call me till my birthday, I'll move on." But when breakups happen, the only real way to move on is to cut people completely out of your life, as much as possible-otherwise, there's a strong chance you'll end up right back with your ex, according to Radhika.

But Can We Just Be Friends?

Well, we get it. Dating your ex again can be complicated, and in some cases, it's a road to a dead end. But is becoming friends a better idea? As self-destructive as it might sound, sometimes you have to be friends with your ex-maybe because you share a close friend group, have co-parenting responsibilities, or something else entirely.

Whether that's a healthy idea or not depends on the situation, says Mumbai-based counselling psychologist Absy Sam.

"As a psychologist, I believe it's possible, but only under specific conditions. Both parties must be free of romantic or sexual tension and have no lingering hope of rekindling the relationship. Mutual respect for each other's boundaries is essential," she says.

However, she adds that maintaining a friendship can be problematic if it's just a facade to hold on to the past or avoid grieving the end of the relationship. In collectivistic societies, she says, such friendships may also invite societal judgement or gossip, adding further complications.

How To Be Friends With An Ex

According to experts, like Absy, if both parties genuinely want to maintain a friendship, here's how to try it:

Examine your motives: Reflect on why you want to stay friends. Is it a genuine friendship, or are you avoiding letting go? Avoid "friends with benefits" or vague emotional attachments with unspoken expectations.

Set clear boundaries: Define what is and isn't acceptable in the friendship. Respect each other's space and autonomy to keep it healthy.

Accept that it may not work: Not every ex is meant to stay in your life as a friend-and that's okay. Some relationships are better left in the past. Grieving and moving on may be more healing than forcing a friendship.

So, the next time you think about texting your ex at 1 am while three glasses of wine down - maybe just write it in Notes instead. Or better yet, rewatch Sex and the City and let Charlotte and her friends speak your truth.